Birth photos, 2 years delyaed

I JUST got the photos my sister took with her cell phone. Remember, I thought I'd be going home. I had no idea I was 7cm, so I didn't bring my camera! I wanted to share with you my two favorite photos. Enjoy!

Why can't I just stay here?

Last night as I lay in bed I was seized by a fit of anger and panic. If I'm pregnant, where will I give birth? Last pregnancy I moved back down to Pensacola for 4 months, gave birth with my midwife, and traveled back to Georgia when Anna was 6 weeks old. It was so hard! I hated being away from my husband and caring for two children, alone, while suffering from HG and just generally being pregnant was stressful.

This time, however, Sarah will be in school. I can't just pull her out of school for a month. I could go down with the younger two and leave Sarah up here with my husband, but that would mean he wouldn't be there for the birth. Yes, I could call him when I went into labor and he could attempt to make it down, but it's a 4 hour drive if he left immediately upon receiving my call, and last time I didn't even know I was in labor until I was 7cm, and Anna was born an hour later.

I don't see why, why, why I can't just stay here in Georgia, see a CNM, go to the hospital to give birth and just be left alone. Yes, I'm aware of "Dr. Wonderful" in Atlanta, but that's still an hour and a half drive (if it's not rush hour) that I'd have to make each month, and in labor. I'll remind you again, last time I didn't know I was in labor until an hour before baby was born! If I could write the headline to that news story it would read

Woman Gives Birth on Side of Road When Local Doctors Refuse VBAC

My first line of defense will be to make an appointment with the local CNM group and beg them (I'm not above it) to attend a birth with me. My cesarean will have been over 7 years prior, with two uncomplicated VBACs in the meantime. I'll ask them to meet with the OBs in the group, comb over my records, speak with my previous care providers (the ones still living), anything. They might change their minds. Too bad "letters of recommendation" don't help in these sorts of situations. I know my midwife would write a glowing letter for me! My concern here though is that even if they capitulate, they'll place a heavy burden of demands on my pregnancy and labor, demands I won't likely meet. My babies come 1-2 weeks after their due dates, I lose an extreme amount of weight during pregnancy, I always measure small and either have tiny babies or 8lb babies.

So I don't know what I'm going to do. Even if I decided to birth with Dr. Wonderful in Atlanta, I'd have to have a care provider here too because I'd need to be seen frequently to keep up with the HG.

This is what women fail to think of when signing up for that very first cesarean.

Just sayin'...

Since my last period.

My 30th Birthday

Happy Birthday to me, right? I'm not much in a celebrating mood. Having a miscarriage the week of your birthday? Not fun. My last miscarriage (2007) was the week of Mother's Day. Someone is seriously messing with me. I conceived this baby on April Fool's Day and lost him just a few weeks later. His due date would have been Christmas Eve, so I'm sure I'll think about him again then and feel sad all over again.

On a positive note, I believe my miscarriage is now "complete". I'm still getting negative tests and the bleeding has stopped. No signs of infection and no more pain. At least I was able to miscarry in relative peace with no medical intervention required. I'm thankful for the three beautiful children the Lord has blessed me with earthside, and now I have TWO children who will only ever know Heaven as their home. As parents, don't we want the best for our children? You can't get better than that! The bible says that we will be known in Heaven as we were known on Earth, so I "name" the babies I lose. My first was Mac and this one is Jacob. I've always thought of my miscarried babies at boys because I read somewhere that male embryos/fetuses were more likely to be miscarried than females. Hopefully there aren't two sweet girls running around Heaven being called Mac and Jacob!

Miscarriage?

I think I'm having a miscarriage. I got what I thought was my period yesterday, but I've been curled up in pain most of the time since then. Very heavy, lots of "tissue". Similar to the time I had a confirmed miscarriage. But I never got a positive test.

Miscarriages are awful. Aside from the very real emotional effects, the physical experience is painful and lonely. It's like a very long, sadly un-supported labor that doesn't have a happy ending.

Don't Think I Am

I tested first thing this morning, 13-15 days after I believe I ovulated. It was negative. Still no period. So more waiting, I guess.

Nothing Yet

I still don't know anything. Another negative test today, day 46. I'm out of tests, so I won't be testing again until Sunday morning.

Something I've been thinking about in regards to dating this (might be) pregnancy is what to tell a care provider. Here's what I mean: my LMP is March 1st, but I know that if I got pregnant, it was between April 1-3. Here are the "due dates" for each:

LMP March 1st: EDD December 8, 2011 (with a cycle length of approx 30 days) Probable conception date April 2: EDD December 24, 2011

So you see my situation? I don't think I could possibly convince a care provider to put down the December 24 EDD when my LMP was March 1st. It would be bad enough by itself, but add that to the fact that providers want VBAC mothers to give birth on or before their due dates, and also my history of giving birth 1-2 weeks after my EDD, and there's a big problem.

Say, for example, my baby would have come 1 week after the EDD of December 24. That would be December 31st. The care provider wants me to have my baby by the December 8 EDD, so if I consented (no!) to a RCS (no induction for VBAC moms), that would make my baby 3 weeks, 2 days early. Not good. And I don't suppose any care provider would be comfortable with me going (in their eyes) 3 weeks, 2 days past my "due date" either, would they?

So should I make up an LMP that fits better with when I know baby was conceived? I don't want an early vaginal ultrasound just for dating purposes. I know the small window in which baby was conceived, and I know that December 8th would be nowhere near when to expect him.

sigh...

Cycle Day 45

In my life, cycle day 45 has always held very special significance. My cycles are not always regular, but the one thing I can always count on is that I never have a cycle that lasts more than 45 days. Today is cycle day 45.

So guess what I'm doing today? Buying pregnancy tests! Again. You know how it is when you're wondering if you're pregnant, always wondering if every twinge is "something". So it's hard for me to say if I "feel" pregnant yet. So I guess I'm going to keep testing until I get a positive or a period!

In other related news:

As I was eating my grits this morning I looked down at the bowl and wondered if it would be my last bowl of grits for 9 months. Wondered when food would morph from friend to foe. When my body would begin the process of purging food. Of balking at water. When that black box of HG would overcome me.

Goodbye, 20s!

I have to say, this isn't exactly the way I envisioned spending the last days of my 20s. My birthday is a week from Friday (Earth Day) and my thoughts have been dominated with questions about my pregnancy status and how that would change our family. My greatest hope is that I would be pregnant with a boy, not because I value boys over girls, but because my HG was so much easier to handle when I was pregnant with a boy! I do adore little boys though. My son is the biggest sweetheart you'll ever meet. He asked me the other day (with tears in his eyes) why God hadn't yet given him a baby brother. So, Caleb and I want another boy baby.

A few things to report:

• In the last week I've had two mornings where my stomach felt very sour until I'd eaten.


• This morning I woke two hours before I normally do (I started waking up really early, very early on in my previous three pregnancies)


• Today is day 44 of a cycle that has never, ever gone beyond 45 days.

Still Nothing

By nothing I mean, literally, nothing. No period, a second (what I'm going to call) negative pregnancy test this morning. My first three cycles since they resumed were 28 days, 31 days and 30 days long. Today is day 43 of my fourth postpartum cycle. Sorry, but that's all I have to report today! Believe me, I'm even more frustrated than any of you may be!

Still No Cause for Alarm

I took a test yesterday. You can very clearly see the dark blue "control" line, but what you may or may not be able to see is the very faint blue line to the right. Before we all get our panties in a wad though, I have to confess that I didn't look at the test until well after 10 minutes. I got busy. I do have three children you know! The test instructions state (in bold letters) that you absolutely should not read the test results after 10 minutes. It doesn't say why, though. Is it because the blue line might fade, leaving you to think you're not pregnant when you actually are? Or, is it because when the test strip dries, it reveals the faint blue line, leaving you to think you're pregnant when you're not?

No Cause for Alarm, But...

Today is day 37 of a normally 28-35 day cycle.

I think it's still a little early to be jumping to pink or blue conclusions though. We've been out of town for the last two weeks, Anna has drastically decreased her number of nighttime nursings, and it's only my 3rd cycle since before I became pregnant in September 2008. Many factors at play right now. I'm not even convinced it's time to test, yet. I assure you though, as soon as I know one line or two, you'll know as well!

Planting Seeds?

As I was returning home tonight from a late-night trip to the grocery store I met our across-the-breezeway neighbor. He saw that I had Miss Anna with me and told me how precious she is (she is!) and asked how old she was (21 months next week, can you believe it?). He mentioned that his wife is due with their first child, a girl, in mid to late June. Ah! A due date conversation. Time to plant some "please don't induce on your due date" seeds.

I said, "Oh that's wonderful! Anna was born a week after her due date, on June 28th. I was certain she was going to be born in July." Turns out I couldn't have said anything more appropriate because my neighbor exclaimed, "That's our problem! My wife wants to buy the baby a birth stone necklace. She wants to buy the June birth stone." I told him I understood the pickle they were in because, "you know babies, especially first babies, tend to come much later than their due dates." He looked as if no one had ever mentioned the possibility that a baby wouldn't come on its due date and said, "Well I guess that makes sense. Maybe we should go ahead and buy the July necklace instead."

Now if I can just keep the parents-to-be away from our anti-VBAC OB neighbor, who lives next to me and caddy-corner from them!

Who Am I to Complain?

"I'd forgotten just how extremely tired [it] makes me. It's the weirdest thing having to sit down and rest after doing something simple like sewing Eli a pair of pants or getting the kids a snack."

That's a quote from my friend Sheri's blog. Sheri is going through this for the second time in two years. She has been preparing for this for a few months; getting her house in order, the fridge stocked with foods the kids can get/prepare themselves, summer clothes made, fall curriculum gathered and prepared, freezer foods, recipes for easy foods she or her husband can make. She's been mentally preparing for the physical rigors it brings with it. Coming to terms with the army of needles and tubes preparing to invade her body. She's begun the battle...again. Pretty typical HG right?

Except Sheri doesn't have HG. She has cancer. Again. She's young and has a husband and two small children and she's already fought and beaten cancer once and it's just not fair! It's so hard reading her blog and her facebook updates and knowing that all I can to is offer paltry "support" in the form of a meal and some kind words. I can't really make it any easier or take it away. I can't even join her in the fight. I'm just a witness, and I think...

This is what it's like for my loved ones when I have HG. They must feel so helpless. They must feel so angry. Because unlike Sheri, who didn't choose cancer, I have chosen to continue being open to more children. I have chosen to open myself to the risk of HG over and over again. So who am I to complain? Her sickness is caused by a poison that's not only killing her cancer but also damaging (for a time) her body. Mine is caused by a beautiful new life growing inside of me. She has no guarantee or assurance she'll live through cancer. Hyperemesis is probably not going to kill me, though it gets an A++ for effort.

I'm just feeling very conflicted this morning. I am so very thankful that Sheri has chosen to "blog her cancer". It gives me hope. Is that selfish? I don't know, but it encourages me more than you can imagine. If she can fight cancer, I can fight HG. Again.

March is National Colorectal Cancer Awareness Month

My Babies: 6, 4 and 20 months

Caleb, age 4** Anna, age 20 months** Sarah, age 6

Won't OB My Neighbor?

You'll never guess what I recently learned about my next door (apartment) neighbor. I mean, I actually share a wall with this man! He's an obstetrician! Can you believe it? Of all the people with whom I could share a wall, and it's an OB. I'm very amused.

My husband made the discovery. He stopped him in the breezeway one evening when they were both returning from work. When the subject came up, my husband took the opportunity to ask him if he attended VBACs. Of course he doesn't. The OB was shocked to learn I'd had two VBACs. He said he didn't know anyone who "did" VBACs anymore. He's right, too. No one in this area attends VBACs. You drive to Atlanta if you have the motivation, or submit to surgery if you don't. I'm so thankful our hometown and families and several VBAC supportive providers are only a 4 hour drive.

Wouldn't it be something though, if I was planning to make the trek to Atlanta but discovered it was too late and I was going to have to give birth at home. Could I, should I, would I walk next door and ask the OB to attend? That thought makes me smile. Not only would he have a VBAC on his resume, but a homebirth to boot!

Finding a "super" supporter

As I was thinking over my pregnancy plans, HG protocol, etc this morning I realized that my task in finding a care provider is two-fold. I must find a provider who is both HG supportive AND vbac supportive.

Is this the impossible dream? I fear it might be. A supportive HG provider must be very proactive and intervention-minded, whereas a truly supportive vbac provider must not be. How can the two exist in the same person?

I'm becoming more and more convinced that my best option is to find the most HG supportive provider I can, even if that means I must "sign up" for a cesarean at my first appointment, and then birthing at home unassisted.

Plans, Plans, Plans

So many plans to be made! Our lives are so much different, so-full!-now. My first experience with HG was traumatic, but I only had to find a way to care for myself. My second experience with HG was more challenging because I had a very young toddler to care for. Still, there was just one child (who still napped) and family to help. Hyperemesis part three was the hardest thing I've ever done, to date. I had two active, non-napping children to care for and we'd moved away from family. The kids and I had to move back home and my mother-in-law practically raised them for five months. I was hospitalized for a week.

This time we're in for a ride! This next pregnancy will test our faith, above all, but also our commitment to each other and our endurance. A new pregnancy will find us with a school-aged daughter, a preschool son and a toddler daughter. Our oldest daughter began homeschooling this year the beginning of a new pregnancy will find us at the beginning of 1st grade and pre-K. My toddler shows no sighs of weaning and also co-sleeps. How will I manage nursing one child, homeschooling two children all while living on the bathroom floor for 9 months? We've decided not to separate this time, so we'll be away from any family who might've helped.

This season we're entering will be one that lives in infamy!

I know you think we're crazy. I know. But so is the "Iron Man" who pushes his body to its tipping point, no? And Iron Man finishes where he began. Our family will finish with a brand new immortal soul in the world. We'll end with ten hands helping two more emerge. We will be more, not less. Stronger, not weaker.

Unlike previous pregnancies, I hope to have internet access throughout. I'm looking forward to sharing this Phoenix-journey with you and chronicling how I make it through.

Kyrie eleison down the road that I must travel.

Is it...?

Is it a stomach illness or. . . ? Not sure. Deep breaths.

Something Right

Since Anna's birth 15 months ago, I've questioned my decision to allow Sarah to be present at the birth. She asked to. She begged to. She adored her sister from the moment she found out Anna was a girl. What a priceless bonding experience, I thought, for an older sister to attend her baby sister's birth, to "be there" for her from the moment of her birth.

Sarah is very mature for her age. At age three, strangers thought she was in kindergarten. She understands ideas and concepts with an adult-like clarity. We've never had "the birds and the bees talk" with her and yet she understands, somehow, that the making and birthing of a baby is a collaboration between God and (universal) Man. In preparation for Anna's birth, Sarah and I watched dozens of birth videos on youtube. She was fascinated, not frightened. She would tell anyone who'd listen, "my mommy is going to push my baby sister out of her buh-gina!"

So we were all set, right?

All the birth videos we watched were of women giving birth either sitting up or semi-reclined. You could clearly see the women's vaginas and the baby's heads as they were born. When Anna was born, I was on my hands and knees. Sarah could see the baby's head as it first emerged, and instead of seeing it come from my vagina, it looked as if, in Sarah's words, I was "pooping her out". Sarah didn't like that.

She wasn't as excited about Anna's birth as I'd hoped she'd be. It wasn't the huge sister bonding experience I expected. She didn't seem to be in awe of the birthing process. I was so disappointed! Had I made the right decision to allow her to attend Anna's birth? Had she been so traumatized by the birth that she wouldn't have a respect and love for birth as an adult?

Last week my disappointment turned to joy after a conversation Sarah and I had.

Sarah: Mommy, I think I want to be a doctor when I grow up.
Me: That sounds like fun. Do you think you'll be a mommy, too?
Sarah: Well...not really. I think just a doctor.
Me: Why don't you want to be a mommy?
Sarah: Because having the baby is really hard work!

When she talked about birth as "really hard work" my heart soared! She didn't view birth as painful, or gross, or scary or unimportant. It was just hard work. I asked her if learning to ride her bike, learning to read and write, and learning to crack eggs were hard work and she agreed they were. So I asked, "but now that you have those skills, aren't you glad you went through the hard work?" She said she was.

It's been one of my goals to raise my children with a respect for the normal birth process. I think I'm doing something right.