My 30th Birthday

Happy Birthday to me, right? I'm not much in a celebrating mood. Having a miscarriage the week of your birthday? Not fun. My last miscarriage (2007) was the week of Mother's Day. Someone is seriously messing with me. I conceived this baby on April Fool's Day and lost him just a few weeks later. His due date would have been Christmas Eve, so I'm sure I'll think about him again then and feel sad all over again.

On a positive note, I believe my miscarriage is now "complete". I'm still getting negative tests and the bleeding has stopped. No signs of infection and no more pain. At least I was able to miscarry in relative peace with no medical intervention required. I'm thankful for the three beautiful children the Lord has blessed me with earthside, and now I have TWO children who will only ever know Heaven as their home. As parents, don't we want the best for our children? You can't get better than that! The bible says that we will be known in Heaven as we were known on Earth, so I "name" the babies I lose. My first was Mac and this one is Jacob. I've always thought of my miscarried babies at boys because I read somewhere that male embryos/fetuses were more likely to be miscarried than females. Hopefully there aren't two sweet girls running around Heaven being called Mac and Jacob!

Miscarriage?

I think I'm having a miscarriage. I got what I thought was my period yesterday, but I've been curled up in pain most of the time since then. Very heavy, lots of "tissue". Similar to the time I had a confirmed miscarriage. But I never got a positive test.

Miscarriages are awful. Aside from the very real emotional effects, the physical experience is painful and lonely. It's like a very long, sadly un-supported labor that doesn't have a happy ending.

Don't Think I Am

I tested first thing this morning, 13-15 days after I believe I ovulated. It was negative. Still no period. So more waiting, I guess.

Nothing Yet

I still don't know anything. Another negative test today, day 46. I'm out of tests, so I won't be testing again until Sunday morning.

Something I've been thinking about in regards to dating this (might be) pregnancy is what to tell a care provider. Here's what I mean: my LMP is March 1st, but I know that if I got pregnant, it was between April 1-3. Here are the "due dates" for each:

LMP March 1st: EDD December 8, 2011 (with a cycle length of approx 30 days) Probable conception date April 2: EDD December 24, 2011

So you see my situation? I don't think I could possibly convince a care provider to put down the December 24 EDD when my LMP was March 1st. It would be bad enough by itself, but add that to the fact that providers want VBAC mothers to give birth on or before their due dates, and also my history of giving birth 1-2 weeks after my EDD, and there's a big problem.

Say, for example, my baby would have come 1 week after the EDD of December 24. That would be December 31st. The care provider wants me to have my baby by the December 8 EDD, so if I consented (no!) to a RCS (no induction for VBAC moms), that would make my baby 3 weeks, 2 days early. Not good. And I don't suppose any care provider would be comfortable with me going (in their eyes) 3 weeks, 2 days past my "due date" either, would they?

So should I make up an LMP that fits better with when I know baby was conceived? I don't want an early vaginal ultrasound just for dating purposes. I know the small window in which baby was conceived, and I know that December 8th would be nowhere near when to expect him.

sigh...

Cycle Day 45

In my life, cycle day 45 has always held very special significance. My cycles are not always regular, but the one thing I can always count on is that I never have a cycle that lasts more than 45 days. Today is cycle day 45.

So guess what I'm doing today? Buying pregnancy tests! Again. You know how it is when you're wondering if you're pregnant, always wondering if every twinge is "something". So it's hard for me to say if I "feel" pregnant yet. So I guess I'm going to keep testing until I get a positive or a period!

In other related news:

As I was eating my grits this morning I looked down at the bowl and wondered if it would be my last bowl of grits for 9 months. Wondered when food would morph from friend to foe. When my body would begin the process of purging food. Of balking at water. When that black box of HG would overcome me.

Goodbye, 20s!

I have to say, this isn't exactly the way I envisioned spending the last days of my 20s. My birthday is a week from Friday (Earth Day) and my thoughts have been dominated with questions about my pregnancy status and how that would change our family. My greatest hope is that I would be pregnant with a boy, not because I value boys over girls, but because my HG was so much easier to handle when I was pregnant with a boy! I do adore little boys though. My son is the biggest sweetheart you'll ever meet. He asked me the other day (with tears in his eyes) why God hadn't yet given him a baby brother. So, Caleb and I want another boy baby.

A few things to report:

• In the last week I've had two mornings where my stomach felt very sour until I'd eaten.


• This morning I woke two hours before I normally do (I started waking up really early, very early on in my previous three pregnancies)


• Today is day 44 of a cycle that has never, ever gone beyond 45 days.

Still Nothing

By nothing I mean, literally, nothing. No period, a second (what I'm going to call) negative pregnancy test this morning. My first three cycles since they resumed were 28 days, 31 days and 30 days long. Today is day 43 of my fourth postpartum cycle. Sorry, but that's all I have to report today! Believe me, I'm even more frustrated than any of you may be!

Still No Cause for Alarm

I took a test yesterday. You can very clearly see the dark blue "control" line, but what you may or may not be able to see is the very faint blue line to the right. Before we all get our panties in a wad though, I have to confess that I didn't look at the test until well after 10 minutes. I got busy. I do have three children you know! The test instructions state (in bold letters) that you absolutely should not read the test results after 10 minutes. It doesn't say why, though. Is it because the blue line might fade, leaving you to think you're not pregnant when you actually are? Or, is it because when the test strip dries, it reveals the faint blue line, leaving you to think you're pregnant when you're not?

No Cause for Alarm, But...

Today is day 37 of a normally 28-35 day cycle.

I think it's still a little early to be jumping to pink or blue conclusions though. We've been out of town for the last two weeks, Anna has drastically decreased her number of nighttime nursings, and it's only my 3rd cycle since before I became pregnant in September 2008. Many factors at play right now. I'm not even convinced it's time to test, yet. I assure you though, as soon as I know one line or two, you'll know as well!