When I talk about my cesarean do you hear that I'm judging you? What you should hear is that five years ago I had a surgical birth that I didn't want, wasn't prepared for, and still mourn. What I'm saying is that whether or not mine was necessary it left a scar that healed in the shape of a frown and a scar that is still open. If you really listened to me, you'd know that I don't believe all c-sections are unnecessary and evil but that there are a heck of a lot of them being performed that aren't necessary and those are evil. Birth in this country has become a high-stakes football game with women and babies acting as that old "pig skin". The fact is: cesareans aren't safe. Your skin and uterus are cut and they weren't meant to be. If I stretch a rubber band too tightly it will break because it wasn't made to stretch that far.Five years ago I bled nails and hot tears
Now I bleed bitter sweetness and love
But it still hurts, and I still bleed
My first child, my sweet little girl, will forever share her spot in my mind with an awful memory. Maybe that's what hurts the most. It's not fair to her and it's not fair to me. So, each January 12 I smile and congratulate, give sweet hugs and pretty presents, and marvel as this little 3lb baby continues to grow and learn. But in the evening I close my door and I hurt. I hurt.
I know many of you will say that it shouldn't be so bad this year because I finally "got the birth I always wanted." I wanted that kind of birth for my babies! Not for me. Sarah didn't get that birth. I was able to give it to her two younger siblings, but not her. Not her. That's never going to change.
January 12, 2005
The day of my daughter's exit from my open womb.
My baby's birth.
Mine was Jan. 12 '07. I'm feelin ya.
ReplyDeleteI understand. I didn't even have a CS but I still find it infuriating when people say that it doesn't matter as long as you get a healthy living baby out of it.
ReplyDeleteMy boy is four; it does still hurt. If I tell the whole story, I still cry. I've had therapy, I have "moved on" but it still hurts, because it's still wrong. It still shouldn't have happened the way it did, and I can still hear my little boy crying when they wouldn't let him stay with me in recovery. I'm so glad he can't remember, but so sad that when the time comes to tell him about being born, I won't be able to make it a happy story 100%. I'll have to leave a lot out not to scare him or make him feel bad.
ReplyDeleteWe have the right to be angry and to grieve; other people do not have the right to judge us for it.
Mine is Feb. 10. 6 years ago. My second was pushed out. My third, another csection. Probably unnecessary. I chickened out because my ob/gyn continued to tell me I couldn't do it again. I live in Canada and don't have the freedom to find someone else. I let myself down. The first time they disappointed me. The third time I disappointed myself.
ReplyDeleteI understand your pain.
My 1st was also a c-section. Long story, but ultimately I was cut open and he was ripped from me... Today he is 5 1/2. My last two children were sucessful vbacs with absolutely no medical interventions, which means I could have done with my 1st if the doctors had not intervened. I wish I could back in time. I certainly feel your pain. We are not alone.
ReplyDeleterfg
I hope that your children never read this. You have clearly experienced trauma and don't seem to have dealt with it. You speak of doctors like they are scum of the Earth. Reading your blog makes me sad...for you and for your children. The overall tone of your blog is incredibly frightening and I think there are more productive and positive ways to get your message heard.
ReplyDeleteI just stumbled on your blog and I have to say that I felt as if I had written it myself. My son was born on January 11, 2005 and he was also a c-section. There were many circumstances that led to the section, but it is something that I struggle with every single day. I hate that I didn't bring him into the world the way that I wanted to. I just wanted to say that I know where you are coming from. Thanks for sharing.
ReplyDeleteJust last week, my daughter had her first birthday. And, yes, it also was the first anniversary of my c-section. All day, and the entire week leading up to it, I forced myself NOT to think of her birth because it still brings tears and sadness, and I was determined that her birthday be happy and joyous, all around.
ReplyDeleteYou wrote: "But in the evening I close my door and I hurt." And I did the exact same thing. Thank you for helping me to put words to this first anniversary. I'm looking ahead to this next year for healing, though the scar (physically and emotionally) will always remain.
Wow...I stumbled across your blog and was not aware of this pain you have. First off- sounds like you need someone to help you through this grief and pain..
ReplyDeleteSecond off you are right far too many c-sections happen because of ease, insurance, date setting etc. This must stop.
But I had complete placenta previa with my first three children and without a c-section I would not have survived let alone my sons. My fourth pregnancy was a c-section because of problems with multiple and only one survived. I love my c-section scar and it does not make me less of a mother or woman because the child was helped out or if I pushed them out. I sing joyously each birthday as I was blessed to live in a time where the knowledge and ability exist so I would not have died givign birth to the first child.
The notion that a c-section is a day to grieve belittles many who live and are blessed solely for the ability of the doctor who gives life a chance when the body wont allow it.
I am so impressed with your lovely daughters photo and I pray you for a moment just praise the life...life is to be celebrated...
In fact like your first post about your sister and the second baby...she would deliver by c-section standing on her head if necessary. I pray you understand that I do feel why you are angry, but wish that you would realize that by hanging on this day as a day (see sidebar) to commemorate as the bad day...well will lead to more pain and grief down the road.
jennifer