Birth photos, 2 years delyaed

I JUST got the photos my sister took with her cell phone. Remember, I thought I'd be going home. I had no idea I was 7cm, so I didn't bring my camera! I wanted to share with you my two favorite photos. Enjoy!

Why can't I just stay here?

Last night as I lay in bed I was seized by a fit of anger and panic. If I'm pregnant, where will I give birth? Last pregnancy I moved back down to Pensacola for 4 months, gave birth with my midwife, and traveled back to Georgia when Anna was 6 weeks old. It was so hard! I hated being away from my husband and caring for two children, alone, while suffering from HG and just generally being pregnant was stressful.

This time, however, Sarah will be in school. I can't just pull her out of school for a month. I could go down with the younger two and leave Sarah up here with my husband, but that would mean he wouldn't be there for the birth. Yes, I could call him when I went into labor and he could attempt to make it down, but it's a 4 hour drive if he left immediately upon receiving my call, and last time I didn't even know I was in labor until I was 7cm, and Anna was born an hour later.

I don't see why, why, why I can't just stay here in Georgia, see a CNM, go to the hospital to give birth and just be left alone. Yes, I'm aware of "Dr. Wonderful" in Atlanta, but that's still an hour and a half drive (if it's not rush hour) that I'd have to make each month, and in labor. I'll remind you again, last time I didn't know I was in labor until an hour before baby was born! If I could write the headline to that news story it would read

Woman Gives Birth on Side of Road When Local Doctors Refuse VBAC

My first line of defense will be to make an appointment with the local CNM group and beg them (I'm not above it) to attend a birth with me. My cesarean will have been over 7 years prior, with two uncomplicated VBACs in the meantime. I'll ask them to meet with the OBs in the group, comb over my records, speak with my previous care providers (the ones still living), anything. They might change their minds. Too bad "letters of recommendation" don't help in these sorts of situations. I know my midwife would write a glowing letter for me! My concern here though is that even if they capitulate, they'll place a heavy burden of demands on my pregnancy and labor, demands I won't likely meet. My babies come 1-2 weeks after their due dates, I lose an extreme amount of weight during pregnancy, I always measure small and either have tiny babies or 8lb babies.

So I don't know what I'm going to do. Even if I decided to birth with Dr. Wonderful in Atlanta, I'd have to have a care provider here too because I'd need to be seen frequently to keep up with the HG.

This is what women fail to think of when signing up for that very first cesarean.

Just sayin'...

Since my last period.

My 30th Birthday

Happy Birthday to me, right? I'm not much in a celebrating mood. Having a miscarriage the week of your birthday? Not fun. My last miscarriage (2007) was the week of Mother's Day. Someone is seriously messing with me. I conceived this baby on April Fool's Day and lost him just a few weeks later. His due date would have been Christmas Eve, so I'm sure I'll think about him again then and feel sad all over again.

On a positive note, I believe my miscarriage is now "complete". I'm still getting negative tests and the bleeding has stopped. No signs of infection and no more pain. At least I was able to miscarry in relative peace with no medical intervention required. I'm thankful for the three beautiful children the Lord has blessed me with earthside, and now I have TWO children who will only ever know Heaven as their home. As parents, don't we want the best for our children? You can't get better than that! The bible says that we will be known in Heaven as we were known on Earth, so I "name" the babies I lose. My first was Mac and this one is Jacob. I've always thought of my miscarried babies at boys because I read somewhere that male embryos/fetuses were more likely to be miscarried than females. Hopefully there aren't two sweet girls running around Heaven being called Mac and Jacob!

Miscarriage?

I think I'm having a miscarriage. I got what I thought was my period yesterday, but I've been curled up in pain most of the time since then. Very heavy, lots of "tissue". Similar to the time I had a confirmed miscarriage. But I never got a positive test.

Miscarriages are awful. Aside from the very real emotional effects, the physical experience is painful and lonely. It's like a very long, sadly un-supported labor that doesn't have a happy ending.

Don't Think I Am

I tested first thing this morning, 13-15 days after I believe I ovulated. It was negative. Still no period. So more waiting, I guess.

Nothing Yet

I still don't know anything. Another negative test today, day 46. I'm out of tests, so I won't be testing again until Sunday morning.

Something I've been thinking about in regards to dating this (might be) pregnancy is what to tell a care provider. Here's what I mean: my LMP is March 1st, but I know that if I got pregnant, it was between April 1-3. Here are the "due dates" for each:

LMP March 1st: EDD December 8, 2011 (with a cycle length of approx 30 days) Probable conception date April 2: EDD December 24, 2011

So you see my situation? I don't think I could possibly convince a care provider to put down the December 24 EDD when my LMP was March 1st. It would be bad enough by itself, but add that to the fact that providers want VBAC mothers to give birth on or before their due dates, and also my history of giving birth 1-2 weeks after my EDD, and there's a big problem.

Say, for example, my baby would have come 1 week after the EDD of December 24. That would be December 31st. The care provider wants me to have my baby by the December 8 EDD, so if I consented (no!) to a RCS (no induction for VBAC moms), that would make my baby 3 weeks, 2 days early. Not good. And I don't suppose any care provider would be comfortable with me going (in their eyes) 3 weeks, 2 days past my "due date" either, would they?

So should I make up an LMP that fits better with when I know baby was conceived? I don't want an early vaginal ultrasound just for dating purposes. I know the small window in which baby was conceived, and I know that December 8th would be nowhere near when to expect him.

sigh...